Disconnected, and feeling free

forget it all. rewire.

Hello everyone and welcome. Welcome back from your holidays, from your non holidays, from any type of break which I hope you were able to take during the sunniest months of the year, welcome back.

I hope you are doing well, and that the last weeks have treated you with grace.

Surprisingly, August feels like a blur already, and being back into the city, to running pedestrians, and to the bright white office lights sends my body into a spiral of thoughts, questioning if I am even supposed to be here in the first place.

See, this summer, for the first time in a very long time, I have experienced disconnect. Disconnect from everything I knew, and know, disconnect from all that I am used to, disconnect from expectations and from every part of myself I have been scrutinizing for the past few months.

Consciously - this season I made a vow to myself, and my vow was simply to detach; again to disconnect, and by doing so I have probably felt more connected to myself than I ever did.

I spent my summer in New York; a fun, careless, deep and joyful summer, a beyond life type of summer, I would say. I felt my body stretching into places and forms I didn’t even know existed; it was grand, it was loud, it was effortless. It all felt so liberating, so freeing, I had truly missed that feeling.

I have experienced this sensation from the moment I have stepped into the city, up to the moment I left, and although I do want to justify it to the fact that I was in a foreign and desired land, I have tried to push my thoughts a bit deeper, a bit closer. I have asked myself : - What if it’s not the foreignness of things that allows me to bend my being into new realms? What if it’s my new found ability to detach, from everything I think and thought I should know, I should be, that allows me to feel so free?

These questions have quietly unlocked sides of my brain that I constantly put to sleep; out of fear, out of protection, out of many things that have allowed me to remain safe, that I believe allow many of us to remain safe.

See, the things with questions, is that they are always easier to answer to when they are not made from us to us. When that happens we are forced to make ends with all the musing we have been avoidant to face, immediately. And when we do that, cause well, we have to, the answers are unmissable.

When I did that, I saw instant replies moving, form the sides of my brain to font, and center stage. As I was walking through Bed-Stuy on Wednesday morning, while having lunch at a cute Caribbean spot on the Lower East Side, and lastly on Sunday morning, picking a box of cereal from a near by deli, I had found out that none of that novelty was to attribute to how I felt.

This tickling sensation that was making ways in and out of my body was made possible because for the first time I have allowed it to be. Forgetting the assumptions, and expectations I had of myself and of my thoughts, rewiring my body to disconnect from them completely, allowed new and profound things to build ties, links, to and within me. How powerful is that?

Being a listener of the discourse around the idea of disconnecting ourselves from the chaos of the outside world, I have always believed in the benefit, that comes from it, yet here I am realizing that, personally, the disconnect, or better, the detachment that would benefit me the most is from expectations and notions I have about myself.

Freeing my body from society’s influenced forecasts on my persona, and unrealistic finish lines that I think have to reach, allowed for freedom to bloom in the most beautiful and unexpected way, leaving me liberated, full and open. Open to possibility, open to the unknown, and most importantly open to the multitudes that represent myself.

As I return to Milan, and to what are the usual habits, I am bringing this new found ability along with me, hoping it will allow me to navigate this new season on the same high, with an undiscovered thrill, and that the thought of the possibility of this itself, inspires you to detach yourself from expectation in favor of the freedom of what, and who you could be.

Something to watch:

Extraordinary feelings into words of Nina Simone, I believe it’s something to always come back to, especially in seasons of transition within someone’s life. Freedom truly is no fear.

Something to wander on:

• “We cannot know love if we remain unable to surrender our attachment to power, if any feeling of vulnerability strikes terror in our hearts. Lovelessness torments.” - All About Love, Bell Hooks

• Some very deep and intimate thoughts on detachment that honestly made me reflect a lot by

  y'all don't read
  .

Something to listen to: